Saturday, February 15, 2014

Why I'm Embarrassed to be Alive Today

Truth be told, I was gonna make a much more controversial title and call this article Why I'm Embarrassed to be an American, but then I realized it wasn't only Americans that contribute to the problems. Sadly, however, the subjects coming up are primarily Americans.

It should be more than obvious that I don't care much about saying controversial things, but we Americans are a proud and patriotic bunch. But we also have freedom of speech -- which I'm gonna take full advantage of now

So...why am I embarrassed to be an American alive? Let me count the ways:

Honey Boo Boo

I'm damn tempted to say reality television as a whole, rather than picking and choosing, but humor me.

This utter waste of time has taken this country by storm. Why it is that viewers of reality TV make these pathetic fucks famous will always, always escape me.

I have only once sat and tried to watch a full episode. Any other times were tripping across it while flipping through channels.

So disgusted by this trash, I didn't and won't even do "research" to make this article better. I spend enough time on the Internet to know enough of what I want to say. The most I'll do is Google names and such.

My facts may be a little off, but here is why this show disgusts me:
     1) The mother (Mama June, or what-the-fuck-ever) is the epitome of large white trash in America. Americans have enough problems of stereotypes by other countries without this cow doing nothing  but solidifying their suspicions. She's so fat that her breathy rants have to be subtitled for the world to understand her.
     2) Honey Boo Boo (Alana Thompson) is a spoiled little brat that got her start from her mother entering her into beauty pageants. Apparently her adorable annoying personality won her her very own show. Spoiled is actually too weak a word.
     3) The rest of the tubby and backwoods family.

Perhaps the saddest part is that the entire lot of them are too fucking stupid to realize that even the producers/staff are making fun of them. They edit things to make these people seem just as confoundedly stupid and idiotic as possible. Sadly, this likely didn't take much, but it lends itself to my point.

The fact that these people have their own fucking show on a channel I used to enjoy watching, and respected, has shattered my once-wonderful image of American television. The fact that they have a damn cult-like following is astounding. (Yeah, yeah. I know you're thinking, "Well then maybe you're the idiot" or "Yeah? Well at least they're successful," yada, yada, yada. Spare me your liberal bullshit.)

Duck Dynasty

Okay...a family that found success with a product and are now rich. Awesome. Couldn't be more proud. It's the American dream after all, right?

I don't even have an issue with Phil Robertson, the patriarch of this clan, being religious, or even anti-gay. What I have a problem with is the fact that he had the fucking balls to equate homosexuals to things you would hesitate to call even your enemies.

Okay, so he's anti-gay. Big whoop. A shitload of the south are. But to basically use religion to back it up crossed the line for me. It damn near enraged me to see the countless, countless people petitioning to have him reinstated, and spouting "I stand with Phil".

Newsflash people: It's fucking 2014. Stop trying to stop grown-assed adults from receiving rights just because your fairytale book says it's wrong.

More than Phil, though, my disdain for this show is somewhat shallow. I can't stand this show because it's painfully and obviously scripted. Anyone, anyone who believes the entire thing is off-the-cuff and simply being recorded, is a flaming idiot. The humor is as predictable as my sexual droughts.

I actually don't dislike these next two, but they're not "reality" either.

Pawn Stars

I may get a few facts wrong here, but suffice it to say that the pawn shop is little more than a place to buy memorabilia for the show. The stars of the show are rarely, rarely seen.

But reality? Ha! People rarely bring items that are either probably worth boatloads, or hard-as-absolute-fuck-to-find to a fucking pawn shop, people! Neither are the staff at pawn shops quite as educated about nearly everything on earth...or "have a buddy" they can readily come to take a look if they are clueless. If there are, they're damn few.

Ever notice their "buddy" is never too busy to either make a trip to the shop or be able to see whoever's gonna bring it down to their shop? Never.

Lastly, it's yet another nearly completely scripted show. Don't even get me started about the elder Rick Harrison thinks his own musings are fucking hilarious, or how his son sharply exhales after damn near every single sentence out of his mouth.

American Pickers

Another one I actually kinda like, but briefly, one thing about it is that it's plainly not as "live and random" as they make it out to be. I'd always felt this way, but it got solidified when I was watching an episode where they were in England (I believe it was), and when they were with one guy, they asked if he had or knew where to find a specific item they were looking for. Well, amazing news. The guy right next door would probably have it.

Then he takes the guys over there. They knock on the door and, surprise! He just happens to be there.....every single time, by the way. The guy they'd been bartering with introduced all of them to each other. But not once, not even a hint of once, did this guy ever look anywhere toward the camera and crew and say, "Um.....why all the cameras, guys?" Nope. They just started talking collectibles as if they were all there, just the three of them. Not reality.

The Fucking Kardashians

Okay, so maybe I "mis-remembered" the name of their show. I've never even sought it out. My main beef with this bunch is the fact that we even know their fucking names.

Why do we know their names? Don't you dare say anything other than Kim's sex tape. Yes, she's done other things, but that is/they are not, NOT why we know her name!

Her sisters are known for, well, just being her fucking sisters. And the youngest, Kendall? Starting out real promising. She's only 18 and we've already seen her tits twice. How proud they must all be.

Paris Hilton

Two reasons we know her name: 1) Heiress to the Hilton Hotels fortune, and 2) another sex tape. Yes, "socialite" is the polite way of calling someone 50% a professional partier and 50% an attention whore.

Justin Bieber

Oh, dear gawd! I need a cigarette before I tackle this one. BRB

This kid, quite deserving I might add, gained notoriety for being a brilliant singer on YouTube. I still remember seeing the newer We are the World and hearing his opening and going, "Whoa! That kid can sing. Who is he?"

But then it all went to shit...and continues to get worse every day.

He had a guy specifically assigned to him to give him more swag. (I fucking hate that word, but whatever.) This guy transformed a kid from the suburbs who'd probably never even been in a real fight or had ever uttered the word "fuck" into a wannabe thug who quite possibly believes he is the epitome of "gangsta." Puh-LEEZ!!!!

I am unfathomably floored at how the world let him get away with this. When you look up "poser" in the dictionary, there should be a picture of this little dweeb. There is no single better example alive that I can think of.

He has teenie-boppers so excited that they cry and all but sell their training bras just to get a chance to be close to him. He can simply do zero wrong in their eyes!! Parents??? Hello!?!

I better go before I have a damn aneurism.

Until next time, my friends...