Thursday, January 5, 2012

Online Trends & More That Drive Me Nuts!!

So, as you can tell, I've decided to start posting more often and doing so with a more carefree attitude. Today, after watching some vids....primarily porn and such....on a bunch of sites linked through other links that were linked through other links, I started getting annoyed. Really, really annoyed! Speaking of which, I'm now officially coining a new term; Link Hell.

Link Hell [lingk hel]
noun
The place or state of being trapped in a seemingly endless loop of following hyperlinks on the Internet from one web site to another, to another, to another, ad nauseum, until forgetting the starting point and/or original intent. (I just submitted that to The Urban Dictionary so don't bother)

That new term, however, was not and is not the intent of this post. The intent is what I run into online that gets on my fucking nerves! (or, as my British friends would say, "Gets on my tits!") These will generally refer to things that people post on Youtube (or other user-uploaded video sites), what porn sites do, what too many other sites do and, basically, just every-damn-thing...because it's one of those days and I wanna sit here and whine like a little bitch. If ya don't like it, well, then kiss my ass please reconsider!


In No Particular Order:

Videos Where Clicking The "Full Screen" Icon Does Nothing


If I'm watching a fine young thing slowly strip off to show me her pooper, damn it, I wanna see that shit life-sized! Don't offer me the damn icon if it ain't gonna do anything when I click on it! I don't fap to postage stamps! (Note to self: Redo tagline about not being a typical male)


Videos Labeled Hidden/Spy/Secret/Voyeur That Obviously Aren't -
Don't get me wrong, I don't seek out footage that exploits the nude female without their knowledge (I totally just lied) but if you're gonna label it that way, for fuck's sake, make it the truth! If the camera all but bumps into the bitch, I have a nagging feeling she knows it's there. There are plenty of the real thing that pervs sink to filming without you fucknuts labeling videos wrong intentionally just to get views.

While I'm on this one, it also pisses me off when a video site labels a video (that's obviously going to link to another video on another site) with complete and utter lies...just to get you to click on it! Example: Labeled "OMG! Look what this girl does with that bottle!!" and it links to nothing more than a slide show on volleyball babes wearing swimsuits on a rated PG (at worst) site.


Video Sites That Are Nothing More Than Links To Other Video Sites
If I open a web site with thumbnail previews of videos of chicks about to bang the family pet, when I click on it I don't want to be taken to SallyDoesSpot.com! If I had wanted to go there, I would have typed it in! Sites like that exist solely for making money rather than providing any ...um... entertainment! Enjoy your fucking CTR's, assholes! (Now, admit it! Who all just checked to see if that was a real web site?!?) 
Note: I don't actually condone bestiality but if you do it, I'm so gonna look!


- Take A Second To Read This -
Before I go any further, I should explain why I chose "Insight Into The Mind and Daily Goings On of A Not-So-Typical American Male" as my tagline. I'm serious when I claim it and I mean that when society thinks of a "typical male" they generally think of a guy who: a) Is only out get laid as often as possible b) Looks at porn 24/7 c) Masturbates 3 times a day d) has no respect for women, etc....ya get what I mean. Well, none of those things describes me.

I do a lot...a lot of sarcasm in my humor-writing. I'd like to think that comes through but, if it didn't (or doesn't), then let it hereby be known that I am most certainly just a harmless wise-ass. I have never dated more than one woman at a time. I have never been able to have no-strings-attached sex. (I tried, a whopping one time, to have a FWB and neither of us could do it). I couldn't be a player if I was paid to be. I do watch porn, but I don't go out and purchase it and I normally only do it if I need visual stimuli. I'll watch if it looks appealing but prefer 15 minutes-or-less and the amateur, couple-decides-to-film-it variety. Any other kind is for the shock value alone. Understand now? I'm a guy who loves to write and who has a wide-ranging sense of humor that can go from lame tame to "Oh no he di-in't!!!"
- End Of A Second -


"Professional" Porn - (Online or offline)
If you're paid to fuck, then just fuck. Quit trying to act! Maybe it's just my taste, but I literally roll my eyes the second even a hint of scripted porn comes out. While I'm at it, I hate it when porn "actors/actresses" claim they work hard. You fuck for a living! You've taken the one thing that is usually kinda special and brings two (or more) people closer together (or just gets their rocks off) and chosen to do it for a living. The only "acting" you're doing is 1) That you're not a whore/gigolo and 2) That you're as turned on in the video as you're trying to appear to be

...and for fuck's sake quit fucking looking at the camera trying to make you-know-you-want-me faces!!!! GAWD! That gets on my nerves! Not only that, but when the bitch stares at it and follows it like fucking facial recognition software! Add in the obviously-fake "Ooooooooooh", "Ahhhhhhhhh", "Oh yeah! Fuck my tight ass!" and the like, and I look for a puppy to kick to get the angst out!!! (Just kidding! I actually go and find a small child to shove)


Twerking/Ass-Clapping -
I know it could be argued that these two things are mutually exclusive, but they're basically the same. Some chick gyrating her ass up and down and....just fucking search for it on YouTube! I'm not a prude. Trust me, I am soooooo not a prude, (and I'm an ass man) and maybe it's just my age and I'm hatin' on the next generation like every generation does, when I was growing up younger and first saw it, only strippers did it. It's just a style of dancing...just like rap and hip-hop are styles of music. I understand that. But nothing screams, "Heeeeey! Focus on my ass while I get pissed at you...for focusing on my ass!" like that dance does. Kinda like when I was a teenager and the song, "Me So Horny" was big. (Showing my age. I know). Girls knew every last word to that song and screamed and "sang" along when it came on. Those same girls would slap you to sleep if you even mouthed that phrase to them. If you've followed my blog for more than a day or two, you know I generally despise hypocrisy.


Sites That Try To Put The Blame For Their Controversy On Third-Party Submitters -
This isn't so much about sites like YouTube, but more like two specific sites I had in mind: World Star Hip Hop and Is Anyone Up? Neither of them are remotely like the other. They just both pretend to be innocent bystanders as their users submit all the content that they're known for!! The former does seem dressed as your go-to source for Hip Hop when you visit it, but if you've ever heard of the name before now, what was the source? If it wasn't from a search engine where you queried something Hip Hop-related, then my guess is it was from a fight video. As for the latter, you can read my lengthy views on that by clicking on the Previous Posts button at the bottom of this page a couple of times. (In other words, read it after you read this article...not instead of this article)


That Fucking Duck Face -
If you're not familiar, then you're either damn new to the Internet or just use it for business-related stuff. This is a duck face:

Sure, this woman also suffers from trout pout, but she's doing a duck face with it so it's doubly horrific. Who in the name of all that is sacred, thought this was fucking attractive?!? It never ceases to amaze me how so many women do the same thing thousands of other women do. I also see women mimic the "sexy" movements they see other women do. It's kinda hard to describe, much less find, but...if a woman puts a specific trying-to-be-sexy look on her face, the above notwithstanding, and some woman wanting to be sexy sees it, then BAM! other women (obviously either thinking it's sexy or thinking guys think it's sexy) start doing it! Before I get slammed for being chauvinist or stereotyping, I'm not saying all women. I'm saying a shitload. If it weren't a shitload, it wouldn't be so well-known.


People That Take Their Photos In A Mirror While Looking Into The Phone -
I've touched on this one before, but since I'm bitching about the Internet, I'm gonna include it again. There's a few things about mirror pics that drive me fucking nuts but this one is the worst. For the sake of those who haven't read my other articles, I'll include the rest afterward. If the underlined description there doesn't make sense, here's what I mean:



See how she's looking into the phone instead of the mirror's reflection of the lens? Ya know? That age-old tradition of looking into the lens of the camera taking the picture? (Yes. I know some will argue that the emphasis is supposed to be on her outfit, but you get my point)

The other ones that drive me crazy are when people take a photo in the mirror with the camera square in the middle of their face or when their head is nothing more than a flash of light. It's not rocket science, people!


Grown Adults That Use Chatspeak -
U kno. When they dont take the time 2 spell wrds out and r rly lazy with punctuation! I've run into these types on dating sites in the past. I immediately moved on. If someone can't take the time to type words out, use punctuation and capitalize fucking words, they're not worth my precious, precious, ever-so-precious time.


People Who Resort To Tired Internet Memes During Online Arguments/Debates -
This one happens to me all the time. I'm a commenter when I'm passionately for or against particular topics. The younger the crowd, generally, the more often I get this. We both make our points back and forth and, when they run out of ammo, they throw out the overused, "umadbro?" Just happened the other day...again.


Then/Than, To/Too, Your/You're, Definitely/Defiantly/Definately & There/Their/They're -
I knoooooow I'm not alone on this one. Initially, I thought it was primarily young folks but you would (or maybe wouldn't) be surprised at just how many adults, of ALL ages, do this too. It should be mentioned now that I'm a spelling and grammar Nazi. It should also be noted that I use Firefox and it lets you know of misspellings (when it actually knows how to spell) the same way Microsoft Word does; it makes a red, squiggly line under the misspelled word. I know I likely have misspelled words in some of my articles but they were spelled correctly...and just the wrong version of the word. I also know damn well that my grammar is less than stellar. That's a direct result of two things: 1) I write like I talk and 2) I don't always go back and check closely enough. I digress. The difference is, with me, it's a misspelling by accident...from time to time. Not an ongoing thing. I also know that I overuse the SHIT out commas and dot-dot-dot's. I hate that I do but I shall get over it.


I better stop here or I never will. I'm sure I'll think of 20 things after I post this, but there's always another day and another article. ;o)

Until next time...
If this article is still online, I'll still reply to any and all comments that warrant it. Never feel like an article you view here is too old to bother with. Comments are always welcomed!
Scroll down to comment
If you attempt to comment and it fails or you see an error message, please email me immediately.