Friday, December 28, 2012

Dear Women: Fuck You!


Greetings, my little fucknuts.

It's been many months since I've posted anything, so I've decided to come roaring back with another whining tirade about stuff that gets on my nerves. But this time, I'm taking my angst out on women.

Perhaps not surprisingly, I'm a single guy. Believe this or not, I'm a pretty stand-up guy and any long dating site profiles I post or messages I send almost always get a, "Wow! I can't believe how honest and open you are! How refreshing!" Women who aren't even all that compatible to me will take the time to write just to thank me for being different from the average guy on a dating site.

This blog post is half tongue-in-cheek and half stuff that's been eating at me for eons. Regardless of what you think of what you're about to read, chances are that you'll at least see where I'm coming from.

As per usual, I go on and on and write forever.

And we're off.....


Male-Bashing

If you're breathing and old enough to reach the keyboard, I assure you that you've either said or heard, "All guys think about is sex!"

Well, yes...it's essentially true, but there's one thing the majority of these pretentious bitches don't think about when opening their blowholes to complain about it: Who in the flying fuck do you think makes the sex toy industry a 15 billion dollar a year industry (with 30% annual growth)? Yeah...mostly WOMEN!

Oh, and who do you think makes up a major, major portion of the buyers that made 50 Shades of Grey a smashing success? You guessed it!

So, yeah...get off our asses! If we men were fucking plastic, metal, rubber and silicone (not to mention shit that vibrates or has a gasoline engine) half as much and as often as you women were, we wouldn't be thinking and talking about sex quite so often either. Never thought about that, did ya?

The difference is, guys usually prefer the real thing...with features and characteristics that are more realistic; not something that does or looks like no human woman could ever live up to. Why have sex with an inanimate object that can't possibly be matched by any living person?


Women on Dating Sites/Craigslist/Anywhere Online, Really

What's got to be the most annoying fucking things women do on these online find-me-loves, in no particular order:

They almost always make damn sure to include a line that says something in the way of, "I don't need a man. I want a man."

You're taking the time to make a profile on a dating site and list things about you and your potential squeeze, but you're just passing time, right? Fuck you!

I'm so fucking tired of people either thinking or saying that those that admit that they're lonely or need a mate to feel complete, are weak or desperate or something! Look! Having the courage to put yourself out there takes, well, courage. Having the audacity to be honest takes more courage. If you're afraid that someone is going to see you as desperate or codependent, then those aren't the ones you want anyway. Ignore them!

I make no secret of the fact that I consider myself a damn good guy. I have lots of qualities that women look for. The ones I lack are financial and confidence, primarily. I put everything but my DOB and SSN on dating sites so that they know what and who they're getting. If they see it and don't like something? They move on. No skin off my back. The ones that appreciate my type write to me. Period.

I fully realize that women get far more messages on these sites than guys do. I get that. That's not my fault. I also know that at least 80% of these fucks do nothing more than send the same message to 50 women hoping five or so reply. Furthermore, I also know that many married guys scour for a piece of ass on the side. Others write a whopping 1-4 words. Still others simply wanna get their dick wet, even though their profile says long term.

BUT...countless women do nothing more when they write, too. I can't count how many times I've received a message that simply said, "Hi" or "What's up?" Face it...men and women can suck on these sites, not just men. It pisses me off that it's seen as male-only negative traits. Maybe if roles were reversed and women had to put themselves out there and write to the guys, instead of the other way around, it'd be more well-known.

Because of the assholes and players that litter these places, I specifically say on dating site profiles that I refuse to put myself into the same queue as those fucks; that if I pique their interest, they'll need to initiate contact. Simple as that. Many do. Many don't.

Too many women don't realize (or don't care) that it takes some swallowing of pride and a lot of courage to write and try to be the best of the likely tens or hundreds of messages you get. Quit expecting that every guy is going to go to the ends of the earth to make his far above and beyond all other messages. Would you? Would you do that multiple times a day? Week? Month? Would you eventually start copying and pasting the same thing to multiple people? You get my point.

Hyper-Realistic Expectations
Entirely too many women expect George fucking Clooney to be looking for love online. I once saw a study done online (I forget where) that proved this. Women on dating sites were shown photos of a plethora of guys ranging the spectrum of fugly to drop-dead gorgeous. The study found that women (on these sites) overwhelmingly rated what society normally considers above-average-looking guys as average to below average.

Newsflash: Models almost never look for “the one” online. Lower your standards to, oh, I don’t know…realistic?

Misleading Photos

Yes, I know guys post pics of their younger, more muscular, and less follicle-challenged days. But tons of women do it too. Again, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve seen women who post nothing but headshots from places like Glamour Shots or some shit. If you’re not familiar, they’re basically day spas for average to ugly people. They make you look like a model and they take your photos. They make you stunning. I can spot these from a mile away. Most can, but here’s how: soft focus, bare-shouldered getups and flawless makeup and backgrounds.

I understand you want to put your best look forward, but you’re setting yourself up for rejection when reality slaps the shit out of you and your prospective guy. If “your best look” is not something you can easily attain without a team of makeup artists and hair stylists, stop posting those pics.

While I’m at it, stop with the pics from your thinner days. Everyone and their dog knows that if the pic is from above, you’re fat. Everyone knows if it’s an extreme closeup of your eyes and/or cleavage, you’re fat. Everyone knows that overuse of Photoshop filters and artistic bullshit means you’re fat and/or ugly. Just stop!

If people can’t handle you at your worst and/or your regular self, then they don’t deserve you at your best…period!

“My Kids Come First”

Fucking duh!! If a woman on a dating site has kids, 99.999% of them feel the need to throw this little gem in there. If you have children, they’re supposed to come first! Are you actually expecting guys to expect you to drop the kids off at grandma’s every day just to come see them? No. If any do, block them.

List of Demands

This one really chaps my ass. I don’t think most that do this even realize they are doing it. They make their profile with nothing but demands of what a guy will and won’t have, do or not do, say and not say, and expect or not expect. Fuck you!

No job, no car, no reply!” Fuck you!

You ever notice that if a woman doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a car, or lives with her parents, that society thinks, “Awww. The poor thing is down on her luck”? But the second people see that a guy has no job, no car or lives with his parents, what’s the first thing you think of? I’ll tell you: Loser!! That’s exactly what most think of immediately.

Newsflash: Guys get “down on their luck” too. Guys get butt-raped in divorces all the time. Guys get financially overburdened too. Some, just like with women, need to move back in with their parents from time to time to get back on their feet. It happens.

Right about now, you’re probably thinking, “Well, ol’ Cliffy obviously is all of the above!” Well, first of all, fuck you! Secondly, no. I’m not. But, I didn’t have a vehicle for a very long time. I haven’t lived with my parents since my late teens. I am, admittedly on social security disability, but I also freelance write to supplement that.

My point is: Not everything is as it seems. Quit being so quick to judge people from the outside looking in! That goes for men as well.

Overuse of Acronyms or Dating Site Lingo

Short, but sweet: I hate, hate, hate seeing profiles littered with SWF seeking SWM, DDF, HWP and the like. If you don’t have the time or inclination to type shit out, don’t expect people to take the time to write to you.


BBW

I gave this one its own category. Why? I’ll tell you. BBW stands for Big, Beautiful Woman. Why does this get on my nerves? Well, the main reason is that second “B” is almost never fucking true!!!

Too many fucking cows equate large with BBW. BW? Maybe. BBW? Uh…no! Not usually. Here’s some new ones for ya: LA: Lard Ass, CRA: Can’t Reach Ass, D4K: Dimples for Knuckles, and MN: Multiple Necks.


99.9% of Women

That's right. You read that right. The more I've been thinking about these lately, the more pissy I get. This one will have subcategories too.

What is my whiny ass talking about? Read on.

99.9% of women are not as they appear!

·        Push-Up Bras – To make your tits seem fuller and perkier than they actually are.
·        Padded Bras – To make your tits seem larger than they actually are.
·        Makeup – To make you far prettier than you actually are.
·        Nylons/Stockings – To make your legs look smoother or more evenly toned than they actually are.
·        Hair Extensions – To make your hair longer than it actually is.
·        Hair Color – To make your hair a different color than it actually is.
·        High Heels – To make you taller than you actually are. They also subtly make your tits and ass stick out further than they normally would. Don’t believe me? Look it up.
·        Dildos and Vibrators, etc – To make you less horny and sexually frustrated (outside the home) than you normally are.
·        Girdles/Spanx, etc – To make you appear thinner than you actually are.

I fully understand that many women feel that they need to use or wear some of these things in order to feel better about themselves or to attract a mate. My point is that every single one of these things makes you someone you aren’t – or a better version of yourself than you actually are.

No wonder guys are judged so much. We’re stuck with what we look like most of the time. Those that shave or wax their chests do so for superficial reasons. Those that use makeup, Spanx or botox injections, are odd in most people’s eyes…my eyes being one set of ‘em.

Many women will claim that they do most or all of the above for men. Well, at least 90% of guys would be fine if you did half or less of them. You do it to make yourself feel more sexually appealing. Period. Whether it’s to make you feel that way to yourself alone or to potential fellows, varies.

I hereby give women a pass on shaving their hoo-has and wearing thongs. I applaud and thank you for those two.

Until next time…


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