Thursday, July 30, 2009

New Rules: Inspired by Bill Maher - First Edition

From time to time I'm going to take a page from a guy who I watch on HBO. His name is Bill Maher. He has a segment at the end of his show called New Rules and, barring copyright infringement, I'm going to make some of my own. These will all be original, not from ol' Bill. If any seem strikingly similar to any of his, it will be completely coincidental. There may, however, be some similar to what a lot of people say/think, but it's my turn to voice 'em.

New Rules:

  • It is no longer cute, adorable, precious, etc when old people dance They look like idiots and they're just gonna keep doing it if someone doesn't tell them. When I'm old, if I live that long, and I get up and start looking like a 'tard, can someone please tell me? I may just test you. If you look in my general direction and see me gyrating in the same fashion as someone having a seizure and don't say anything? I'm gonna shove my cane up your ass. Pray I don't have my walker with me.
  • Stop the inhumane act of naming twins with rhyming names I'm a twin myself and luckily didn't suffer this fate, but can only imagine what it must be like to hear, "These are my sons, Cliff and Biff" or "Bob and Rob". This stopped being cute right around the time they learned how to talk. They have to live with it for the rest of their lives. Being referred to as a set, will invariably traumatize one of 'em. The same goes for similar names as well. For example, Tim and Tom, Fred and Frank, Cheryl and Charlene. Get my drift?
  • Stop creating "nobody loses" teams/sports/events I, and likely all of you reading, have lost at something. It sucks...bad. It may even make you cry or want to run away from home, but damn it, we survived it. There are so many parents today so afraid their little Bobby is gonna get his feelings hurt if he and his team can't hit the side of a barn with a cannon, much less a baseball with a bat. If ya suck at it, find a trainer or find a new hobby. Unless you're getting paid for what you're competing in, it's important that children learn that you don't always get what you want. Not everything in life is handed to you or split evenly among everyone.
  • THINK before you post a video on Youtube (or any video site) I feel so bad for so many young (and, let's face it, not so young) ones today. Primarily, I'll focus on those around the ages of 13-17. With guys, it's usually idiotic stunts or fights, with girls, the list is longer I'm afraid. I could (but won't) point to at least 5 examples of each of these things: Girls "booty-dancing," girls filming each other on the toilet, girls pantsing (aka depantsing) each other, how can I word this next one delicately? This is an adult blog but I'm not sure how crude I wanna get with it yet. Um....well....they expel air from their loins. (Yes, I know the correct term[s], I'm just not gonna go there at the moment). There's a ton of things these poor kids are filming and posting for the world to see. Many are doomed to something we older folks never had to deal with; Internet background checks. My age is some of the reason for this, but I had to include it in my list of New Rules.
  • What happened to that thing called mercy? So often today, we see on the web and the news, kids beating each other with so much fury and unwavering rage that it truly concerns me. Don't get me wrong. I'm no goody-two-shoes, but in my day, people fought primarily with their fists and a kick here and there. Kids today...of ALL ages...are punching long after someone is out cold, doing piledrivers on someone's head when they're down and beating them with the same unadulterated hate that I would liken to finding the person who shot my parents dead. (My parents are alive and well. This is for example only). This is just something I've noticed as a growing trend and thought it deserved a spot here.

New Rules: Gender-Specific - Ladies
  • Stop taking photos from above your head Aside from being middle-aged now and the urge to judge younger generation inherent within, this is to help you. It's primarily young girls who do it. It is common knowledge across the world wide web that this is a slimming camera angle. It's overdone!! It also makes many think you're a whale trying to hide that fact.
  • When taking your photo in a mirror, get the damn thing out from in front of your face I can't begin to count how many photos I see of a bright flash of white, with boobs and a cute belt. Either wait 'til ya have a friend to take a photo of you or get a camera with a viewfinder that you can aim where you want it. It looks like you couldn't find the time to take a photo that actually shows you care what people think.
  • Quit the "I'm a bitch and proud" act From a male standpoint, which coincidentally happens to be my gender, this makes you look like a girl who can't wait to get into a fist fight. It's fine to feel empowered, independent, successful, but you don't have to make it turn you into someone that no man (or many else for that matter) in their right mind would want to associate with.
  • Even spandex has limits I absolutely adore women in spandex...still, but if you haven't seen your feet since you were 12 and you're not pregnant or overly-endowed upstairs, you're too big for spandex!! If you can see your skin tone through the spandex, you're too big for spandex!! If your ass looks like you're hauling a load of cauliflower, you are too big for spandex!!
  • If ya prefer the "bad boy" type, SURPRISE! He's likely gonna be bad I speak from personal experience and from conversations with exes. I've, more than once, been dumped...who hasn't? The ones who are honest about why, can be very revealing. I've had at least three tell me it was because they were looking more for the "bad boy" type. Well, I recently caught up with them and asked them how life had been over the years. Girl #1: Her boyfriend got her and himself thrown in jail. Girl #2: Her ex-boyfriend beat her almost daily and is in and out of jail. Girl #3: Her husband has been to prison. He has punched holes in walls during arguments (Thankfully not hit her) and now tells her where she can and can't go, who she can and can't be around and how to dress. Need I say more?


New Rules: Gender-Specific - Men
  • Put your damn shirt on Being the ever-interested-in-what-women-think kinda guy I am, I pay attention to what women say, write and otherwise share. Taking photos of yourself without a shirt on, especially if your face is out of frame, makes you look like all you care about is your killer, ripped bod. Women see it as shallow and self-loving. When women admire a man's toned upper body, it's usually when he's doing some kind of labor-intensive work where he needs/wants to keep cool...or possibly get a tan. So ya work out? Great. If you're proud of it, wear tighter shirts or shorter sleeves.
  • Admire women more quietly If you see a gorgeous woman across the street, look at her...hell, if you can get away with it, maybe even stare, but don't yell out that you like the swing in her backyard, want her to have your babies, that her looks should be illegal in public, etc etc etc. Whistling as loud as possible and/or crying out at the top of your lungs never, never, never....ever works. If it happens to, then she probably just left after a lengthy "session" with Rocky. Sure, some will go home and think, "Wow...someone found me attractive" but most will be thinking, "He actually thinks I'm gonna perk up and walk over to him? HA!" or, worse yet, actually yell out that she requires at least a 3-incher or that you should take a shower and try again. If you do these things when alone, you're beyond help. If you do it with a group of guys, be the one that has some respect for her....and yourself. Sure, you'll probably go home alone, but if she was across the street and heard a gaggle of idiots, she wasn't going home with any of ya to begin with. Meeting someone on the actual street/sidewalk pretty much only happens in the movies anyway.
  • Stop calling your wife and/or girlfriend your "ol' lady" To put it lightly, it makes ya sound like a prick. Like your wife/girlfriend is no more than property. Unless you're dating your grandmother, ya may wanna leave that out of your vocabulary. Likewise, "the ol' ball and chain" went out when the word "swell" stopped meaning "great" and started referring to what your eye does when your wife or girlfriend punches you.
  • When trying to avoid an argument, "Yes, dear" is not always the right answer My dad, as did many of yours, told me that when ya just don't have the energy to argue or debate, the best answer is "Yes, dear". This works fine when it's a lighthearted disagreement or passing feud. This does NOT, however, work when in a very heated and intense argument. It fuels the fire that is shooting from her eyes. Trust me on this one.
  • Being a mama's boy is good....to a POINT. I'm close to my mother. VERY close to both parents. People admire how close my relationship is with my parents is...BUT...when you start neglecting your damn marriage for their sake, you don't deserve a wife. If you're kissing your mother's ass so deeply that when she speaks it's YOUR breath, you're OVERDOING IT!

I hope these shed some light on some things for some of you. Most everything here is meant in a tongue-in-cheek way so if any of it enraged you...you need to step away from the computer, grab a drink, chug it down, go outside, build a bridge and get over it.

Until next time...


I have implemented a new commenting system. Sadly, in doing so, I inadvertently lost all comments made prior to December 28, 2011. My deepest apologies to those this adversely affected. If it's any consolation, it makes my blog here look pretty darn unvisited over the years.
If this article is still online, I'll still reply to any and all comments that warrant it. Never feel like an article you view here is too old to bother with. Comments are always welcomed!
Scroll down to comment
If you attempt to comment and it fails or you see an error message, please email me immediately.