Monday, August 3, 2009

Stupid Products: Are You Serious?

Most of you don't know me but, if ya did, you'd know I absolutely despise having my intelligence insulted. My first real memory of realizing this was some time in the 90's. I was watching TV with my (then) wife and a commercial for either a detergent or a deodorant came on. It featured a technological marvel. This gadget, however, was not the product being sold...just the one insulting our intelligence.

There was a shirt lying there neatly with its sleeves out to the side and into the frame comes this hand holding what looked like a white stick with a handle and a blinking red light at its tip. The angst started when the red light was painfully, obviously inserted via editing after filming. Anyway, it was an "odor detector" and it was being held at one armpit of the shirt, then the other. To prove their product worked, the side without the featured product made the red light flicker faster and a beep-beep-beep sound. Much faster and more annoying than it was on the other armpit.

These people actually expected us to believe this thing could differentiate between a fresh armpit-of-a-shirt and one that had odor. I immediately lost my mind both laughing my ass off and looking nauseous. I don't remember what I said, exactly, but it was likely something like, "Oh give me a #@!*%^$ BREAK!". From that day forward, I have very little patience for the company or the product if its advertisers deem it necessary to treat me like I still believe in Santa Claus.

And why is it a seemingly simple task becomes nearly impossible when a product comes out? It may have been this product that is coming to mind when I think of this, but I'm not sure. Regardless, it was indeed a can opener of some sort and the woman trying to open a can the ol' hand crank way shouldn't be in a kitchen much less working such complex machinery. She had sauce flying everywhere and when trying to retrieve the now-detached can lid, instead of trying to get a finger under an edge, she plunged her finger into its contents, up to her second knuckle. She also had apparent trouble holding the can down in one place. Sigh....I digress.

I rambled on about that to go into the fact that there are so many idiotic products out there and their accompanying infomercials I will sometimes actually sit and watch just to laugh at them. I surf some odd sites, as you may have already noticed, and in doing so I come across some interesting (if not creepy) people. They find links to the weirdest things and seem to make a game out of finding the most ridiculous, yet real, products out there. Doing this from memory, I didn't have as much luck as I'd hoped I would, but found 3 products. Some you may have heard of, one or two, perhaps not.
  • The Snuggie: This is an "invention" that has parodies out the ying-yang now and is basically, what they call, a blanket with sleeves. They want $19.95 USD for this thing. Thank me later. I'm gonna save you some money! Grab your extra large uncle's XXL bathrobe, lay it on the bed with the front toward you, put your arms thru the sleeves and voila! You're all set! (Some models even have an included belt for those days ya just wanna cinch that puppy up...bathrobes, I mean. Not the Snuggie).

  • The Kush: Starting at the low, low price of $38.95 USD, this baby helps your poor women out there with boobs that keep you awake. This amazing and profound product even claims to help avoid cleavage wrinkles! Yes! That's right! You too can forget those long nights awake worrying about the wrinkles your gigantic breasticles cause. Aaaaaand, here's my idea: (Concept and design copyright 2009 - CliffyTX. All rights reserved) Grab a room-temperature 12 ounce can, for best results use non-carbonated beverage, and tuck that lil devil between your lovelies and snooze your cares away. The best part? If ya get thirsty during the night? Pop that bad boy open! Comes with a straw. Who loves ya more than me, heh? Can too hard? Well, try my handy, dandy large roll of ace bandage! Act now, and I'll include a partial roll of toilet paper! (Extra absorbent for those heavy-drool nights)

  • Comfort Wipe: This directly from their site: (My emphasis and comments in bold) For over a hundred years we've been using toilet tissues the same old way. Now there's a better way with the extended reach and comfortable to use Comfort Wipe™. It grabs and holds the toilet tissue in perfect postions (Yes...they spelled it this way) so you can easily wipe yourself. When you're done, just dispense the soiled tissue right in the toilet with the press of a button. (Isn't pushing a button much more hassle-free than that pesky ol' opening-of the-hand routine?) Comfort Wipe™ extends your reach a full 18" while the anotomical (Yep. Their spelling again) design follows the contours of your body for perfect cleaning. (It's the end of the line for the trusty shower) It's perfect for everyone, especially if you have trouble easily reaching because of physical limitations (i.e. Your butt looks like two full-grown adult raccoons fighting in a burlap sack) such as bad shoulder or other mobility litimations (I promise. These are all their doing. I oughtta hit 'em up for an editing/proofreading job!). Now you'll never have to touch a dirty toilet tissue!

I would have liked to have found more, and could have easily with the plethora of them out there, but my computer was/is running low on memory and to be quite honest, I didn't want to steal all the same old lists that others had taken the time to research and provide. I tend to write a lot when I get to posting so maybe it's best that I stop here. ;o)

Until next time...

I have implemented a new commenting system. Sadly, in doing so, I inadvertently lost all comments made prior to December 28, 2011. My deepest apologies to those this adversely affected. If it's any consolation, it makes my blog here look pretty darn unvisited over the years.
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Sanctum's Muse said...

Priceless! Just what I needed to have a good laugh. There's another blog I'm following that featured stupid baby products last month. Here's the link if you're interested:

CliffyTX said...

Always glad to add a smile to someone's day. Thanks for the comment and the link.

Kyrie said...

I am very enlightened now. I have only heard of the Snuggle, but never of the others...and, well...I'm glad I never did. Thank you for sharing this. I hope to read more of your posts :)

CliffyTX said...

I used to know of oodles more. Wish I still had links to them. Thanks for the compliment and feel free to follow. I try to post once a day but may miss a day here and there. Because of my blog's warning page, the search engines tend to look past it. Spread the word. :o)

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